[Aear Charter]

As a warning this may be quite a long post with no real sense of direction. I just need to get these things down so maybe I can sort my head out a little... Just so you know it is 2.45 or so am. Have been laying in bed for a while thinking about this and that...

So lets start with recently, or fairly recently at least. As many of you know it's not been a good year for my family, but actually I started feeling it before the year even began. We found out my surviving grandmother had dementia back in December, my dad, my great aunt and my grandpa's second wife all died in January and to top it off my Aunt was told she has cancer about a month and a half after. It's an aggressive cancer of the lymphatic system and involves an intensive kemo and radiotherapy treatment. I actually quit work about a month and a half ago so that I could go help out if needed so moneys tight atm and I'm having some trouble adjusting to not having much to do.

There is good news however as she has just last week been told that she's responding well to treatment and has done her final kemo (for a total of 3) on Thursday. She just has to get ready for radiotherapy. I also haven't rushed myself up there as firstly I was working in a pharmacy and didn't want to take anything with her whilst she had no immune system, but also my eldest cousin (her daughter) is down there looking after her. They haven't seen each other in years and I can't bring myself to go get in the way. Also the boss says whenever I find myself some time to let her know, so at least I have a job to back to.

So why am I posting this? To be fair i'm not really sure myself... Maybe I need something to take the stress away or maybe I just need to rant... idk

The other thing i've been having trouble dealing with through all this is my own identity and questionable mental state. It's questionable to me at least... Lemme explain the best I can...

I was born the smaller of twins two months premature which led to a whole host of development problems. Lungs, heart, eyes, I started of left handed and switched because the 2 hemispheres of my brain just weren't communicating. Over time i've developed workarounds but it explains why i'm so.... Different. I'm told that I had ADHD but i'm also told that I no longer have enough left for it to be classed as ADHD but they wont tell me what's wrong with me either... IT's really irritating cause I hate how I am. Don't get me wrong I enjoy having a laugh and messing around, but I don't know when to stop and i'm tired of hurting people all the time. It scares me cause i've hurt people badly before and I worry that i'll do something that can't be undone or shrugged off.

I mentioned in the inspiration thread about how the char Chiquita came about... The truth is I lashed out at her and she ended up in hospital. Knowing her she was probably just asking me to take her swimming or something... I don't even remember... I've never been able to get rid of that guilt, as far as I'm concerned she was my imouto or at least I was supposed to be looking after her. I was so ashamed of myself at the time that I never did bring myself to visit her... By the time I thought about it her father told me she'd taken her own life.

In addition to all that i've been somewhat reluctant to reveal my gender leaving it as a guessing game. The truth is... You guys have no idea how hard it is to write this part... I've never spoken to anyone about it... Ok so i'm a guy but i'm transexual. As far as i'm concerned i'm supposed to me a girl... It's been really confusing because for a long time I didn't even realise... I just enjoyed crossdressing... And it's not a whim thing cause the first time I crossdressed I must have been 8.

Basically I'm tired of fighting all these demons. I'm not saying I'm giving up or anything... I guess I just needed a place to vent. To anyone that reads this:
Thanks for reading, I know I'm pretty messed up. I'll also take this opportunity to apologise. I don't usually talk about my feelings... A long time ago I decided I wasn't going to be a burden anymore, that I would change myself with or without anyones help. I've made a lot of progress, if you knew me just a few years ago... Please don't worry about me though. You guys have enough on your plates and I don't need anyone else worrying about me.

Again I'm sorry for posting so much stupid stuff and worrying everyone. Also sorry if it's a mess...

[Deleted]

Hey, buddy. If you need to talk, EVER, just know that I am around.

[Aear Charter]

So I wanted to do a quick update to let you guys know how things are getting on!

Well after spending two and a half weeks with my aunt and grandpa getting back last wednesday, I'm pleased to report that everyone is doing really well considering. My aunt's finished her kemo and just has radiotherapy left! She's still trying to do everything and wouldn't really let me help her a lot but it's good taht she can stay strong at least. My cousin is looking after them now so i'm back in London!

The good news is i'm gonna go back to work on Friday! Just a day a week with alt Saturday afternoons since i'm still a little unstable still. (see above)

Just thought I should let you guys know that whilst I wont be as crazy hyper active i'll still have quite a bit of time to keep bugging ya! ^ ^

[Henry Pratt]

Good to hear everything is coming along mate, I've been caring for my partner during her chemo and radiation and it can be a pretty tough job. Remember to take time our for yourself to recharge your own batteries, its just as important to keep yourself healthy in mind and body.

[Deleted]

Aw, Jay, you've never mentioned it! I will keep you in my thoughts (I don't pray, but I DO meditate, so...)

Bless you both!

[Robert "Bobby" Oxford Jr]

Happy to hear that things are going well Alex.

Jay, I wish your partner speedy and full recovery. Keeping her in my prayers.

I know how hard it is watching someone who you love fight cancer. My lost my beloved grandfather when I was four and half. I watched him lose his battle to lung cancer from years of smoking. Chemo and radiation wasn't around that time, even if it was. It was too late.

If either of you ever need a ear, my PM box is always open.